The Power Of A Mother’s Love Is Transformative – But Don’t Make This One Mistake
Spoiler Alert: Learning about mothers love is one of our earliest lessons in life. As we all know, a mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. When we are connected with our children, and we provide what they need in the way that they need it, a mother’s love transforms the way that child grows up and relates to the world and the people in it. But we need to dig deep within ourselves to make sure that our children feel truly loved.
I worry that my boys deserve more than my best. Even my best means that sometimes I loose my temper. Sometimes I yell. Or I don’t listen. Sometimes I ramble. I definitely ramble a lot. And sometimes I nag.
I wonder if my mother ever worried that her best wasn’t enough? Because it didn’t always feel like it was.
My mother wanted desperately to be a mother. At age thirty-seven, my parents adopted me. My mother always told me that she owed me a special duty because they had chosen to adopt me. (I’m sure she meant no offense to birth mothers – obviously, they also choose and really want their children!)
She took her duty very seriously. Maybe this was the crux of my not getting what I needed from her. Owe. Duty. Serious. Where’s the joy in all of that? She was always dutiful – both as a mother and a wife. When she saw that our public school wasn’t a good fit, she scrimped and saved and moved me to a different school. She signed me up for gymnastics, ballet, horseback riding, piano lessons, everything and anything that was available because, in her mind, that’s what good mothers do.
Now that I’m a mother and I’ve had a chance to process so much more about my own upbringing – I’ve figured out the one thing about motherhood that nobody tells you.
What About A Mother’s Love Could Possibly Not Be Enough?
My mother was a very private person. Her life was painful – with abuse as a child and loss throughout. As a young girl, she cared for her father as he slowly deteriorated and ultimately past away from cancer. Her sister died far too young, leaving behind four young children. She didn’t share herself easily, it was just too painful.
But I wanted her; I wanted to know her – warts and all. Even if it wasn’t all pretty – which it wasn’t. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I knew her very well.
Maybe she felt that, emotionally, she had nothing left to give?
Or that she didn’t want her sweet baby touched by all that left stains on her?
I can’t ever be certain. But more than any gymnastics, ballet, or horseback riding lessons, I wish she could have shared herself so that I could have known her.
We All Love Our Children In The Best Way That We Know How
Just like all of us, she loved me fiercely with the tools that she had. Everyone has a different set of tools available to them. She did not come from a family where she felt safe and loved.
Based on her childhood, parents who were dutiful, serious, and had a sense of obligation to give her a good life must have been the pinnacle of parenting.
That was what she missed out on. And so it became her vision of the ultimate parent.
She gifted me with all that she missed. For me, she became her own vision of the ultimate parent.
The truth is that virtually all of us were wounded as children, and if we don’t heal those wounds, they prevent us from parenting our children optimally. If there’s an area where you were scarred as a child, you can count on that area causing you grief as a parent — and wounding your child.
Healing Yourself So You Can Be a More Peaceful Parent
More About Motherhood
Motherhood is one of our most cherished gifts in life. Check out more about motherhood, mothers love, and nourishing your heart so that you can bring all of you to your kids!
The Secret About A Mothers Love
So, just as my mother did before me, I try to pass on to my boys what I feel I missed.
I want to give them joy; laughter; spontaneity (although I’m pretty bad at that one); respect for who they are; a commitment to knowing who they are: warts and all; sharing deeply of myself and showing them who I am: including the not so pretty parts.
I want to give them an appreciation for their uniqueness and individuality – different from mine though it may be. And most importantly, I want to give them love that truly flows to them without expectation of anything in return – unconditionally. Unconditional, unwavering presence and love – joyfully expressed and shared. Before anything else.
Ready for the secret of a mothers love?
Each mother’s “vision” of a mother’s perfect love is delivered through her personal pair of tinted glasses. Tinted glasses contain history, experiences, and emotional baggage.
But, as mothers, we strive to pass on to our children, as best we can, our “vision” of the perfect parent. We each parent in a way that delivers what we feel we missed.
Now, you want to know why that misses the mark?
Here’s Why The Secret of Motherhood Misses the Mark
So here’s the thing, the reason that we might sometimes get it wrong.
What I feel I missed may not be what my boys need. It’s what I needed.
They may need something completely different. The secret of motherhood is that we instinctually pass on what we missed.
But, here’s the thing: we need a unique and individual connection with each of our children to discern what they need, not what we needed as children.
So I’m going to try to take of my glasses that are tinted with my upbringing and what I missed. And I’m going to try to be finely tuned in to and connected with what each of my boys uniquely needs of me as a parent. And then I’ll try to deliver the best I can.
We need to deliver ourselves to our children. Even the hard, ugly parts of ourselves that we are not fond of. They need to see us in all our glory and in all our imperfections.
There will always be times that we aren’t AT our best, but we are still DOING our best.
So I might still loose my temper. I’ll still yell from time to time. I’ll still get so engrossed in something else that I won’t listen. And I’m sure I’ll still ramble and nag from time to time.
But as long as we have connected with our children and figured out what they each individually need from us, we’ll go a long way toward being the parents that they need.
Resources For Healing As We Parent
Don’t Forget To Pin This Post So You Can Come Back!
Mothers’ day is a mixture for me. It’s a time when I’m so happy to have my mom and to be a mom to my great kids. It’s also a time when I remember some great mothers I lost.
It’s definitely a mixture here too! I’m sorry for the mothers that you lost.
Mother’s Day is an overall wonderful experience for me. I love my mom to pieces, I love my kids, and they love both me and their grandmother. It’s pretty much a love fest.
That’s so wonderful! I hope you have the best love fest ever this year!!!
Mother’s Day is generally happy for my family. It’s just that we spend so much time visiting our moms that I don;t get as much time for ME.
Hahahaha! Here’s to wishing for time for you!
I agree that we do the best we can. My mom is great. She is fun and loving and I am so blessed. I am sure you know that your mom did her best too. I’m sorry she’s got alzheimer’s now. Hugs for you this mother’s day!
It is reassuring to know that she loved me and loved me with all of her heart and did her very best. It makes me so sad that her childhood was so hard.
It think it’s a great thing to try to learn from your own upbringing. It’s definitely a cycle and it can get better and better with each generation.
I think so too! And knowing that gives me great hope for the future. I know we can’t all get everything right, so I enjoyed seeing how each generation works to make the lives of their children better 🙂
I’m not quite sure what Mother’s Day is to me. I love celebrating my beautiful babies, but it’s also a day I miss my mom. Who passed away when I was 16. So the day is a mix of celebrating and missing.
It must be so hard to be missing your mom. Have a wonderful day with your beautiful babies.
Mother’s Day to me..I’m not sure. It’s almost always about my kids because I enjoy spending time with them- so we always do something as a family.
It’s always nice to have a special day to spend together as a family! Especially when the day is all about you 🙂
I love mother’s day, it helps you really sit down and think about all the things your mother has done for you; I’m lucky to have one as great as mine!
It is a lovely time to spend thinking about good times. Now that I’m a mom, I can appreciate all it took for my mother to do all she did!
I certainly have mixed emotions on this day. Now that I am a mom I try to do the best that I Can do!
We all always try to do the best we can do. For all our successes and failures – that I believe. Even the worst of parents have such a strong bond with their children that, fail or succeed, I believe they try their best 🙂
This is an awesome post indeed. I think as mothers we all pass on to our kids what we feel we were lacking in our childhood. I have an awesome relationship with my mom but it only happened after I was older. I love to make Mother’s Day a happy day for my mom by making it her day. Thanks for sharing.
Don’t me wrong, because I love the concept of Mother’s Day. However, I feel Mother’s Day shouldn’t be reserved for one day (although it makes retail merchants happy) since mothers should be celebrated everyday. 🙂
It’s so interesting that you say that! As I was researching this post, I learned that the woman who started Mother’s Day was so upset that Hallmark (they were specifically named) began to profit from the holiday that she tried to have the holiday that she worked so hard to establish rescinded!!! I agree – we should always show one another that we love each other every single day!
Usually Mother’s Day is a special day for me. Even though, I don’t live near my mom I make sure I speak to her.
Ideally I would love to be really pampered on Mother’s Day. But realistically it is one of those holidays that I am actually busy. My Mom is usually here visiting and I try to plan something special for her and my Mom-in-Law. But I’m not complaining. Their company is definitely priceless! 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day! For me it is a day filled of gratitude and always a special day to spend with my boys….as well as my mom and Nana. So sorry to hear about your mom’s illness.
This is not going to be a pleasant mother’s day for me. I lost my mom last year, so it will be difficult to get through the day.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don’t think anything, other than losing a child, is worse than losing our parents. After such a loss, Mother’s Day can be an especially difficult time. Please be gentle and kind with yourself and look for love and support throughout the day.
Mother’s Day has always been a happy day for the entire family however, this year is going to be quite different since my granmother passed away only a few months ago!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Although I haven’t lost my mother, I can imagine this must be a difficult time for you. Take care of yourself and have a wonderful day.
Mother’s Day is a mixture of feelings for me as well. On the one hand I have kiddos that make it special but my mom and I weren’t very close up until recently and I also have a special woman in my life that I considered my mom over the years.
It is always interesting to hear about different types of child/maternal bonds. They can come in many shapes and sizes. Celebrating with your children is always the best!
I have a little one in the house still, so it’s nice for me. I like the homemade cards and genuine awe that goes into the efforts he does. 🙂 You’re right though, the day is as different as our circumstances.
Wow, this is an eye opener for me. I always just saw Mother’s Day as a day that I gave my mom a card and what not. Now I see there is much more to it.
Mother’s Day is near to coming, this is one of special day for those mother like me.
I hope you have a wonderful day! I always try to ask for hugs and kisses “on demand!” It’s my favorite gift.
I cannot believe that Mother’s Day snuck up on us already. I can’t wait to celebrate my Mom and perhaps relax a bit myself!
Definitely try to get in some relaxation!
Mother’s Day had always been a happy one for me because my husband and my son always made sure it was special for me. I also make sure that it is special for my mom too although she is a thousand miles away from me.
That is so wonderful! I hope you have a terrific day!