When Talking To Teens, One Simple Shift Builds Trust, Connection, and Calm

Spoiler Alert: Your kid says, “I can’t do it,” and your brain screams, “Yes you can, baby! I believe in you!” Plot twist: that pep talk might be pushing them further away. In this post, I’ll unpack why “You can do it!” can accidentally backfire—and what to say instead so you can learn how to validate someone’s feelings. Think less motivational speaker, more emotional intelligence ninja. I’m sharing real-life moments, doable scripts, and zero judgment. This is all about turning your everyday struggles into powerful connections with your kids.

Several years ago, after dropping our boys at school, I spent the morning chatting with a friend over coffee. We sat outside, soaking in the crisp autumn breeze and warm sun like lazy TikTok cats. I told her I was struggling with a heart-wrenching post that just wasn’t coming together. I couldn’t get it right, no matter how hard I tried.

She meant to encourage me, but what she said backfired.

“You’re site is awesome! You can do it!”

I knew she was trying to be supportive. I know she meant well. But in that moment, I thought, “Um… Hellur???? Did you hear me? I literally just said I can’t get it right.”

And it hit me: my emotional reaction to her words felt familiar. Something I’d forgotten a long time ago.

I remembered sitting in the dentist’s chair as a little girl with a cavity that needed filling. My mom assured me it wouldn’t hurt.

It did.

Later, when I told her it had hurt, she brushed it off. “Oh, you’re fine. Don’t be silly—it didn’t hurt that bad.”

YES. It did hurt. Did she not hear me? If she did, she wasn’t listening. What she said didn’t match my experience—and over time, a little trust chipped away.

Responses That Reflect The Listener’s Experience Promote Trust

I can’t imagine responding to a friend by saying, “Your boss doesn’t really suck. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t worry—everything will be fine once you finish this project.”

But how many times have I reflexively said something just like that to my child?

“Your teacher isn’t mean; she’s actually really nice.”

“There’s nothing to worry about—just get through this assignment.”

The truth is, kids are exquisitely self-aware. They may not have the vocabulary or emotional regulation skills to express themselves in appropriate ways (you know – without yelling, stomping, or kicking puppies…), but they absolutely know how they feel—sometimes even more clearly than we do because they haven’t yet been “trained” to squash their feelings.

And when we talk with our friends, we usually don’t deny their experiences or try to talk them out of their feelings. We say things like,

“Dang. Worst boss ever. I’m so sorry. Wanna grab snacks and slash her tires?”

Boom.💥 Relief. Connection. Validation.

That’s what we all want—to feel heard, seen, and acknowledged.

The Rewards of Learning How to Validate Someone’s Feelings

So why would it be any different when our kids feel like they’ve failed at something? Learning how to validate someone’s feelings starts with simply honoring what our children are willing to share – even when we don’t agree with it.

We need the people we love to recognize our disappointment when we can’t do something that matters to us. I needed that from my mom when I said the dentist visit did hurt. I didn’t need fixing. Instead, I wanted her empathy. I needed to feel her on my side.

And now, I try to give that to my kids.

Let’s face it—whether my child can or can’t do something doesn’t matter in that moment. If he believes he can’t, then that feeling is real to him. And my job isn’t to argue about it or convince him he’s wrong. My job is simply to hear it and to make space for him to process and respond to it.

Because when a child says, “I can’t do it,” and we reply, “Yes you can!” it backfires for one simple reason:

They don’t believe us.

They just told us the opposite.

Judgment-Free Responses Promote Connection

When we tell our kids, “You can do it,” it’s easy for them to internalize something we never meant to say—that doing it is the expectation. That our approval, our pride, or even our love might depend on the outcome.

In a word: judgment.

So when they don’t succeed, and we respond in a way that makes them feel unheard—or worse, like they’ve let us down—we miss a powerful opportunity for connection. And instead of feeling closer, they feel more alone and more disconnected.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is simple—but not always easy:

Just listen.

No judgment.

No advice.

No pep talks or silver linings.

Just listen and acknowledge what they’re feeling.

Sit with them in the discomfort.

Hold space while they weather the emotional thunderstorm.

And when the storm passes—and if they’re open—we can gently help them figure out what comes next. Not because we’re pushing them to bounce back faster, but because we’ve already shown them they’re not facing it alone.

These Responses Also Encourage Self-Awareness and Self-Trust

Every child needs to learn how to trust the messages their body sends them—no matter how small.

So when I say, “Just one more bite” after my child says he’s full…

Or, “It’s not that bad—I bet it doesn’t even hurt”…

I’m unintentionally telling him, “Your body is wrong. Don’t trust it.”

Of course, we mean well. We’re trying to soothe, encourage, or help.

But we do this kind of thing all the time, without realizing the cost.

Imagine this:

You’re a child, and one day, you notice something feels off. Your mom or grandmother seems upset. You ask, “What’s wrong?”

She smiles and says, “Oh honey, I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong.”

You sensed something in your body—tension, tone, energy.

You received a message… and were told to ignore it.

That’s how it starts.

Not with trauma. Not with big moments. But with tiny, repeated nudges away from your own inner knowing.

And I don’t want that for my kids.

I want them to always trust their instincts.

To believe what their bodies and hearts are telling them.

To know, deep down, that they can listen to themselves—and be right.

Listen To Hear, Not To Respond

Here’s the thing about listening: most of us are doing it to respond, not to understand. This feels like passive listening – it’s just in the background while we are formulating our rebuttal. *recovered lawyer turned writer raises her hand* But, we’re going to active listening – being present, hearing and processing what is said for understanding.

We’re formulating our next point, prepping a pep talk, or figuring out the perfect next thing to say—before our kids have even finished talking. Not because we’re trying to shut them down, but because we want to help. We want to fix it, make it better, make them feel better.

But here’s the truth: when our kids are struggling, they don’t need us to win the moment with logic, optimism, or a game plan. This is at the heart of learning how to validate someone’s feelings.

They need us to witness their experience. That’s it.

Learning how to validate someone’s feelings means not mentally editing a zinger of a reply, but just being fully present.

Listening to win sounds like:

“You’re not bad at this. You just need to focus more.”

“You always say that, but you did fine last time.”

“Here’s what you should do…”

Listening to hear sounds like:

“Wow. That really threw you.”

“You were hoping it would go differently.”

“I’m here.” This is my favorite post about holding space for my son.

One validates. One connects. One builds trust. (The Art of Emotional Validation)

The other… kind of just builds resistance. Which is the opposite of what we want.

Because when a child allows themselves to be vulnerable enough to share with us, and we jump into solution mode, it can feel like we’re not with them in the moment—they’re already being pushed past it.

But when we slow down and truly listen—not to fix, not to win, but just to hear them—we show our kids that they don’t have to perform their pain to be taken seriously.

They get to just be.

And we get to be there with them.

Validation: The Bridge to Connection

If you’ve read this far, I bet you’re thinking – I’m not going to lie to my child if they really can do something.

Here’s the thing about validation: It’s not about agreeing with your child’s feelings of despair but acknowledging that their emotions exist. And that? That’s what makes them feel seen, heard, and—most importantly—understood and loved.

Compassionate communication means that before we jump in with solutions, reassurance, or (bless our well-intentioned hearts) a pep talk, we first need to reflect on what our child is feeling and communicate to them that we hear what they are saying. That is how to validate someone’s feelings in real time.

This is the bridge you need to build to go from frustration to connection. To make your child feel safe to move from shutting down to opening up.

Real world, not pretty words? It’s the transformation from “UGH, you don’t get it” (or worse 😳) to “Yeah, okay. You’re listening.” It’s a way to show that you care.

Because let’s be real—nothing slams the door on communication faster than someone telling you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

So when your kid says, “I’m the WORST at this! I can’t do it!”

Instead of: “You’re amazing! Of course you can do it!”

Try: “That sucks. I know you really wanted [insert thing here].

For our older kids, I love the follow up of, “So do you have thoughts on how to handle [insert thing here…]?

For younger kids, the perfect add-on is, “That’s true. You can’t do [insert thing here] YET…” (and you probably don’t want to say “sucks” to your littles, or maybe even your big kids. You do you!) Here’s my story about “yet” and encouraging a growth mindset.

Bam!💥 No debate. No “fixing.” Only connecting.

Why This Works

When we validate, we’re saying: I see you. I hear you. I get that this moment is hard for you.

And here’s the magic—when kids (or honestly, anyone) feel like they don’t have to prove how bad something is, they stop fighting to be understood. They can start moving through the feeling instead of getting stuck in it.

Because their emotions aren’t being dismissed, debated, or downplayed. They’re being honored.

And that? That’s how trust is built.

Validation also teaches kids to trust themselves. If we keep saying things like,

“It’s not that bad,”

or

“You’re fine,”

We’re quietly teaching them to second-guess their feelings. To override their instincts.

But when we acknowledge their frustration, disappointment, or sadness, they learn something powerful: emotions aren’t dangerous. They’re not something to push away. They’re something you can feel, understand, and move through.

That’s how emotional intelligence starts—one moment of validation at a time.

Building Emotional Intelligence, One Moment at a Time

Emotional intelligence isn’t about never feeling frustrated or disappointed—it’s about knowing what to do with those feelings. And it all starts with validation.

Here’s how that can sound in everyday moments:

• Instead of convincing them it’s fine, help them name what they’re feeling.

• Instead of shutting it down, sit with them in it. Give them space to process the disappointment.

• Instead of rushing to a solution, ask: “What do you think you want to do about it?”

With older kids, I love following up with:

“So do you have thoughts on how to handle [insert situation here]?”

It’s respectful, empowering, and gives them space to think for themselves.

With younger kids, my favorite gentle add-on is:

“That’s true—you can’t do [insert thing here] yet.”

(Also, maybe skip saying “sucks” to your littles… or don’t. You do you.)

And when you approach moments like this?

You become the safe place they’ll always come home to.

Not because you had all the answers, but because you made them feel seen.

And that’s what deepens your connection. Every single time.

Accept Your Young Teen’s Failure Without Judgment

“That stinks.”

Yep, learning how to validate someone’s feelings is that simple.

Those two words say: I get it. I hear you. I can meet you, exactly where you are, you don’t have to be anything or anyone different.

Our kids are people who, just like us, can’t always do the thing. Sometimes they miss the mark. Sometimes they mess up something that really mattered to them. And when we meet them in that place—not with judgment or lectures, but with empathy—they feel understood and seen.

They feel safe.

And here’s the really tough part: what if we took it one step further?

What if we removed the judgment of our child altogether?

Not “You failed” or “You’ll do better next time.”

Just: This happened. It stinks. Now what?

It’s not good or bad. It just is.

And the most important question becomes:

“What do you want to do about it?”

That’s the lesson I love teaching my kids—and the one I keep learning myself:

We can’t change what’s already happened.

But we can choose how we respond. And since we’re learning how to validate someone’s feelings, we can now respond with empathy and deepen our connections.

“Yeah, buddy. That stinks—you couldn’t remember your lines in the play. I get it. So… what do you want to do now? Will you stop trying out for the plays you love? Or will you try something different next time?”

That moment with my friend over coffee?

She said, “You can do it,” and I pushed back. Because at that moment, I really couldn’t—not the way I was going about it.

But then I told her what I was going to do instead. I shared how I was trying to rework the post—to weave together something deeply personal about my mom, a stranger from Facebook, and a moment with my boys. I asked for her thoughts. And that opened the door to real connection.

Not because she fixed it.

But because she listened.

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